The Pact
If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you’ll know that me and Rob had a pact – no woman would ever come between us. First, let me explain how that pact came about. About 7 years ago, I was seeing Sam. We were living together, but things weren’t going well – she wanted kids, I didn’t and wasn’t about to be moved on the subject, so things were heading downhill fast. We finally broke up when I learned that she’d come off the pill without telling me, but before that, she did all sorts of attention seeking things. One of those was to say she’d slept with Rob. Cue big argument with Rob, culminating in him saying “I’m seeing Kerry, and if I was going to a) cheat on her, and b) shag a mates’s girlfriend, I’d do a lot better than Sam.” Which, if I was honest, was a fair point. Rob suggested that she was attention seeking and I shouldn’t let it have an effect. Which I did.Fast forward a few years. Rob had been trying to get rid of Kerry for a few months. He kept backing out at the last minute, so one night, he asks me to come along with him for moral support. Just to give him a bit of added incentive, he also meets a girl in the pub that night, and proceeds to have sex with her in the toilets. Anyway, we get back to Rob’s place, and Kerry is there. I go to Rob’s room – I really don’t want to be involved in this one – and leave them to it. 10 minutes later, Kerry bursts into the room, saying it’s all my fault. At this point, she produces a rather large knife, and proceeds to hold it to my throat, saying it’s my fault he doesn’t want to be with her any more, and that she’s going to, and I quote, “fucking murder me”.
Anyway, we proceed downstairs so that she can show Rob her latest capture, probably in much the same way that a cat will bring a live bird to it’s owner to try and teach them how to hunt. Rob tries talking, but here’s the problem – Rob’s a cocky fucker, and he’s not very good at the whole sensitive thing. Plus we’ve both been drinking, so to be honest, neither am I. Rob calls her bluff, picks up the phone (right in front of her, while she’s still yelling at him), and dials 999. He calmly tells the police “Hi, my ex is holding my friend at knifepoint, can you come and help please?” Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to maintain a calm composure and an intact windpipe.
While we’re waiting for the police, Rob continues to taunt Kerry. Eventually, he aggravates her enough that she lunges at him, and he takes the chance to sweep her legs from under her. She hits the floor, I grab the knife (by the blade), and try to wrestle it from her while keeping my knee in her back to stop her getting up. Since she has a considerably better grip on the knife than I do, I end up literally having to put the blade of the knife at the back of her neck, and use her own neck as leverage. This worked, and I managed to get the knife with little more than a few small cuts (thank god for cheap knife sets).
A few minutes later, the police come bursting in, donning stab vests and full riot gear. Impressive. The first one looks at me as if I’m the assailant (to be fair, I’ve got Kerry pinned to the floor, both her arms held up her back, and sitting on her legs so she can’t move. I look him dead in the eye, and say “I’m fucking glad you’re here, I need a drink!” Then I stand up, releasing Kerry (having made sure the knife is well out of harms way), and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. Kerry is arrested, and we spend the next 4 hours giving statements at the police station.
Anyway, after all this, me and Rob made a pact that we would *never* let a woman come between us. So yeah, that worked.
posted by SingleGuy @ 4:19 pm
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