Getting to grips with single life isn't always that easy. Here's one twenty-something's day-to-day narrative of his relationship breakup and his life since.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Halle
Halle is a girl who has been in my MSN address book for quite a while. I have no idea how she got there, but there you go. Anyway, on Monday, we were both online, and she said hi. We got to chatting, and I learned that she used to come through drive thru years ago when I worked at McDonalds, and she recognised me instantly. Anyway, we arranged a date, and met up tonight.
I recognised her immediately. At the time, I would have been 18, her 14. She used to always come through drive thru, insist on placing the order, all the while giving me shy smiles. At the end of the order, when I'd ask "Is there anything else?" one of her sisters would pipe up "Yeah, she wants your number!"
So we went to the cinema, and watched Good Luck Chuck, which is about the most chick-flicky film on at the moment. Not a bad film, but it does seem to encourage clingyness a little too much for my liking.
The downside: Halle has a daughter. I'll get that out of the way now, because I recently updated my online profiles to specifically rule out single mums. However, I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea of dating a single mum in itself. It's more the fact that, when it comes to online dating, there seems to be a correlation between single mums and a tendency to latch onto anyone who looks like a potential dad.
On the upside, we got along great. There was an immediate chemistry, and none of the usual first-date awkwardness. After the film, we went along to the casino for a coffee, and I showed her how to lose at roulette. Then I showed her how to lose at Two Way (a variation of hold-em poker, played against the house). We had a kiss on her way back to meet her dad, who was picking her up, and that was that.
Tonight, we've chatted a little on MSN, and on Friday evening, we're meeting again. This time, we're taking her daughter bowling, so I'll get a chance to see how we all get on together. That will probably be the deciding factor in whether or not there's long term potential here. Right now, I think there might be.
Well, despite having nearly 3 weeks off work, I've done hardly anything of note with all this freedom. The first week, I just lazed around the house, doing precious little of anything.
For the second weekend, I decided to go to Blackpool for the weekend, purely on a whim. I had originally planned to check out the poker down there, but it turned out to be a UK Poker Tour final, costing £1000 just to sit down - a little beyond my bankroll, so I went drinking instead. I danced with a girl, but nothing of interest happened.
Last weekend, I went out with Si and Kel, since Kel can now drink again. I met a girl, got her number, but in the cold light of day, she's not really my type. Also, she has a boyfriend, so once again, no deal.
That brings us up to Monday. Which is where we pick back up. Until now, a very boring holiday.
I have no idea why, but I've been seriously short tempered just lately. Maybe it's night shifts, and the fact that I haven't seen daylight for a week. Maybe it's because I haven't been to the gym for a while, and I don't have any other physical release.
Whatever it is, I'm feeling seriously tense, and something must be done. I have 20 days holiday booked after tomorrow. The plan is to spend Friday night getting very, very drunk, and the rest of the weekend relaxing. Monday, I check out the local gym.
Y'know what'd really help? Someone I care about, a comfortable bed, and a bottle of massage oil. I have two of these.
Song of the day: Blues Brothers - Everybody Needs Somebody
Last night, I forgot my phone when I went to work. I half expected to get back to three or four texts from Cat, each one increasingly angry. I was wrong. There was just one text. Whether it's better or worse than multiple increasingly annoyed ones, I'll let you decide:
Well you are a shithead ain't ya? Bryan certainly had you worked out wrong!
I have no idea what that refers to. My best guess is that she's mad because I didn't text her yesterday. She didn't text me either. Whatever, if there was a line, she's crossed it.
When I've done the online dating thing before, I've always made the typical male mistake - I've gone for a generic profile that doesn't really rule out anyone. Well, after my recent online experiences, it's time to get fussier. So here's my new profile. Tell me what you think.
About Me I'm a fun loving, hard working guy, living in Stoke. I'm very caring and honest - some people say too honest, whatever that means! I'm looking for that special someone who totally rocks my world.
I like going to pubs, clubs, casino's, that kind of thing. Although for a date, you can't beat a nice italian or steak at a cosy backstreet restaurant (you know the ones - old music, wine bottle candles, and the best food in Stoke).
What I want I'm looking for the kind of person who has her own life too - I'm very independent, and while I do want someone I can spend time with, there's a very fine line between attentive and just plain clingy! Also, although I'd love to have kids of my own someday, I'm honestly not up for the challenge of playing dad to someone elses kids. Sorry mums, but I'd rather be up front than waste both our times.
The First Date Aah, now for the first date, I reckon the best bet is either a coffee or a pub lunch, early afternoon. That way, if we don't get on, we're not in that horrible awkward situation where it's just not working but we can't leave because there's food coming or we're stuck in a cinema with Fat Smelly Bloke to the left and Mobile Phone Girls to the right. If we do get on, we can discuss the perfect 'proper' first date from there.
I know, ruling out the clingy ones and the mums probably rules out about 90% of the women who do the online dating thing. I don't care, they're not my type anyway and they just make life more complicated than it needs to be.
So...whaddya think? Any thoughts to improve on this? Answers on a postcard, kids.
Song of the day: Dwight Yoakam - Ain't That Lonely Yet
We were texting on Friday night, all well and good. Over the weekend, we didn't text. Note the we. I didn't text her. She didn't text me. Today, I get this gem:
So..have you been trying to give me a hint these last few days?
Excuse me? Two days of me not contacting her (and her not contacting me, let's not forget) doesn't equal a hint of anything. Especially when she's on night shifts, and I have no idea a) what hours she sleeps when she's on nights, and b) whether or not her phone is on silent while she's asleep.
Is it just me? Is it actually normal in the early stages of dating to not go more than 12 hours without contact? The women of Stoke certainly seem to think so.
Yes, this is another drunk post. Make the most of it, it may be deleted later. Although, I've talked myself pretty well into facing the consequences of my actions, so it'll probably stay.
So, alcohol being the social lubricant that it is, I asked myself a few questions that I don't really like the answer to tonight. The answers are here, raw, for the world to see. On Tracy:
Are you over her? To be honest, I have no idea. I'm pretty sure that, right now, I've accepted that it's over between us, and as long as she's with Rob, we are not getting back together.
I would really, really love to believe that if she broke up with Rob and wanted me back, I would have the strength to say no. To be honest, the odds are about 60/40 against. Yes, she destroyed my world, but while we were together, she was "the one", and I have to accept that part of what killed our relationship was my own mind, constantly saying to me: "Yes, she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. But, you're 26 - are you ready to meet the person you want to spend your life with yet? More importantly, she's 21, and met you when she was 18 - is *she* ready for that?"
That is the question that constantly went through my mind for about the last 4 months of our relationship, and it's a killer. If I hadn't kept asking that question, and doubting my own, and maybe more importantly, her commitment, would we have broken up? Who knows? It's too late to answer now anyway. The only question that remains is: If she was single again, and I had the opportunity to pick up where we left off, would I take it?
I would really love to have the strength to say with 100% certainty that I'd tell her that it was too late; that she'd blown it; that what we had was gone. In truth, I still don't know if that's the case. Stone cold sober, I think there's maybe a 70% chance that I'd be able to walk away. Whether it would be for reasons of the heart, or reasons of stubbornness, is another question. Drunk, with my emotions on display for the world to see....I reckon those odds would drop to 40%.
So let's hope I don't meet her on a night out when we're both single. The sober part of my brain is still telling me that would be A Bad Thing.
This is drunk posting again. Probably a bad idea, but hey. I'm watching a movie (i'll let you guess which one, but I will say it was more because it's a pub/drinking movie that always made me happy than because it reminds me of 'her'. Although, yeah, it does that too), and got the following quote:
I remember the first time my mother played Bridge Over Troubled Waters, by Simon and Garfunkle. I remember exactly what she was wearing; I remember exactly how her hair smelt; and I remember exactly how I felt. And every time I hear that song: I remember exactly what she was wearing; I remember exactly how her hair smelt; and I remember exactly how I felt.
For me, this is Simon and Garfunkle. And because I had to find it for the purposes of blogging it, it may just ruin my night out. This will be a determining factor in how 'over her' I really am.
One detail I forgot to mention about the date with Cat - while we were having a drink in Revolution, Bryan walked in. Bryan is a guy I used to work with back in my bartending days. He also knew Cat, and she was quite surprised that he knew me. She explained that the two of them work together.
Anyway, Cat was at work last night. She sent me a text saying that Bryan had demanded all the gossip, and she'd taken great pleasure in indulging him. While we were texting, it transpired that Bryan is actually an ex of hers. This morning, I got a text off her saying that "she'd given Bryan my number, and I must have a gift because he doesn't usually get on with anyone" and an hour later, I got this gem from him:
Hi mate. Hope you don't mind me getting your number off Cat. Don't mean to be direct but I don't think you could keep a bird like Cat. I was surprised to say the least seeing you together, from the sounds of it you ain't in to her anyway which again surprised to hear, but wanted to let you know, she's in a different league mate. Again nothin against you, and it's not meant nasty, and it's not cause I'm one of her ex's, i'm not stupid I know she'd never have me back. But just wanted to share my opinions. If you are interested and can keep her I apologise, and fuckin well done! Anyway good to see you.
Make of that one what you will.
Song of the day: Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know
You can always tell it's going to be a strange night, when you're sharing a bus with two clowns, a policewoman in uniform, and a female construction worker, complete with hard hat, all on their way for a night on the town. Still, that's what happens when your first date is on Halloween. Yep, last night was the date with Cat.
We met outside the cinema at 8 - early enough to figure out the times, then go and hide in a pub somewhere until it starts. After a bit of browsing, we decided on 30 Days of Night - you can't really do a halloween date and not watch a horror. She insisted on paying, practically shoving me out of the way.
While we were waiting for the film to start, we went to Revolution for cocktails. Usually, cocktails are more expensive, but I already knew she likes vodka and redbull, which is stupidly expensive everywhere anyway, so no matter. I got her a RBNY (Vodka redbull, but with apple vodka), and I got a Del Boy - pineapple juice, Malibu, vodka and Blue Curacao. For her round, she got a Russian Bride, and I got a Jammy Dodger (I have no idea what was in it...but it was red and lumpy. Strangely tasty though, despite it's menstrual appearances).
By the time we got to the cinema, we'd loosened up a little, and got the first kiss out of the way just as we were sitting down. The cinema was packed, so we had to behave, but she still ended up with wandering hands.
After the film, we went back to her place. She'd already told me she was living in a flat above a shop, and when we got back, I was quite surprised at how nice it was. Flats above shops are usually dingy, nasty holes. This was modern, clean, and very nice.
After a bit of heavy petting in the living room, we moved things to the bedroom, where we stayed for the next 3 hours or so, swapping between sex and chat. She accused me of being emotionless, which I suppose is fairly accurate for me, at least on the first few dates. Let's face it, if I got butterflies and emotions for every first date, I'd be just about due my third or fourth nervous breakdown by now.
At 2am, she kicked me out, because "firstly, I only have a single bed, and secondly, I don't want to do the awkward morning after thing." On the way home, I got a text off her - "Still friends?" I replied that of course we were and I had a good night, and we bid each other sweet dreams.
So overall, not a bad date at all. As I said before, physically, she's not *completely* my type, but I could also do a lot worse. Also, she's in no doubt that I'm not making any commitments to her (in fact, she refused to even acknowledge last night as a date - it was a 'meeting' to see if we get on before we arrange a date, apparently), so I don't need to feel tied down.
Will there be a second date? Who knows. It's certainly possible.
