Getting to grips with single life isn't always that easy. Here's one twenty-something's day-to-day narrative of his relationship breakup and his life since.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Janey Lou
So I had another crack at internet dating, trying once again to find some truth in the stereotype that the internet is full of cute punky, slightly geeky girls with pierced tongues.
Stereotypes - you lie. There are no cute punky girls on the internet. And the ones that are are either being paid, or are actually 40 year old, balding males using a photo of one of the ones who's being paid.
Anyway. Janey Lou.
Well, she was female. That's always a nice start. We couldn't go on a 'date' because she has two kids, so we planned a night at her place. Now I'm thinking, cuddle up on the sofa, stick on a DVD on, order a Domino's, open a bottle of wine. Y'know, a nice night in.
What actually happened is we spent a night sitting on the sofa, her lounging all over me, watching Ant and Decs Saturday Night Takeaway.
Daytime TV is bad enough. Saturday night TV is just terrible. Both are aimed at that demographic who have absolutely nothing better to do with their lives than sit home. And then people call *me* sad, because I'd rather go and DO something than watch bloody X-Factor.
OK, that'll do for now.
So yeah, we end up in bed together. Now girls, listen closely, this is important. If this blog educates one woman on the importance of this next point, my work will be done.
If you're on the rag, this is information we like to know. And when I say we like to know, I mean we like you to tell us about it. Having the painters in is *not* your cue to turn the lights off and go right ahead anyway, leaving us looking like an extra from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
And then, just to really make the night a total success, at 8am the next morning, we were awoken by what I can only assume to be the child from the Frank ad (below). I was just waiting for him to start chanting "How long are you gonna feel like that for?!?"
Karma is a strange beast. You know how, when you first break up with someone, your mind starts to play out all kinds of weird things you could do to try and get her back? Well, sometimes, if you tell your mind to shut the fuck up and just leave your ex to it, karma will come around a little later and thank you for your efforts. Case in point:
Yesterday, I was bored. So I sent Kerry a text to see what she was up to. We went to the pub, and ended up heading up Hanley to make a night of it. We got into Jaks about half 10, when it was still fairly quiet. Guess who was there? Rob, Tracy and Jenny (Tracy's sister). Apparently it was Tracy's birthday last night, and they were out celebrating.
For those who haven't been with us since the start, let's just do a quick recap. Tracy is my ex, who left me for my best mate Rob about a year ago. Kerry is Robs ex - they split up about 6 years ago.
So anyway, Kerry heads over to say hi to Rob. I head over to say hi to Tracy. I congratulate her on the rumour I hear that they're getting a place together, and wish her all the best. Jenny comes over and we chat for 5 minutes, just catching up on random shit.
About 10 minutes later Rob comes storming over, with the excuse that he wants half the deposit from the house me and Tracy were living in together. I tell him they're not getting anything, and he storms off. A few minutes later, he demands to talk to me outside. I refuse, but agree to go somewhere we can hear each other.
At which point, he proceeds to go off on me, saying that I chose to ditch our friendship because I couldn't handle him and Tracy, and that if I didn't want to be friends, I should stay the fuck away from them both and not try to wish them all the best. I told him that if that's how he wanted to view things between us, that was OK by me, but I still considered myself on good terms with Tracy and Jenny, and wasn't going to be an ignorant bastard around them.
He also called me a hypocrite for going out with Kerry, and from his rantings, this was quite clearly the real issue he had. Meanwhile, poor Tracy's standing in the corner crying her eyes out, because it's just as obvious to her what's going on as it is to me - the love of her life is kicking off because a lad he doesn't hang around with anymore is out with a girl he split up with 6 years ago.
Basically, the conversation ended with Rob telling me to watch my back. I said fine and walked away.
That was a totally random night, but as I said to Kerry, an interesting one, and one which I think said a lot more about Rob than it did about me. It'll be interesting to see how this one plays out.
Satuday morning, recovering nicely from a hangover, my phone goes. It's Kerry, wanting to know what I'm doing. If I'm honest, not a lot. So we meet up at about half 1 to go for a few drinks. A few pubs later, we go back to mine for a few more. Nothing happens. Then we head down to meet her friend in the pub, and she demands a kiss in the taxi down. Fair enough.
Her mate Becky is quite nice, but apparently only into one night stands and two-girl, one-guy threesomes. I, obviously, took the opportunity to remind her of my birthday in a few months.
Then at 10pm, after 9 hours in the pub, I had to go to work. For a 9 hour night shift. That was interesting. I actually managed fine, but I got to work tonight to discover emails from the day shift wanting to know why half the night jobs hadn't been done. Oops.
I went on a date with Caz on Friday. We saw Shoot Em Up at the cinema - damn good film, destined to be a classic. Then we went to meet Si to congratulate him on Jayden.
Caz I'm not sure about. She seems nice enough, but she doesn't rock my world. She also seems a bit *too* keen. Watch this space.
It came on Thursday, and hasn't really been christened yet. I've spoken to a few mates who are all up for a home game one night. Si was going to come and visit, but Kel went into labour so he had to cancel. She now has Jayden, a little boy, born at about 2am Friday morning.
And to top it all off, I came first on Thursday's poker night, taking away £400. Not bad for an evening's entertainment.
So...Tuesday night, I played poker. 12th out of 77, not too bad. Missed the money though, first paid place was 8th. No matter.
I got home about 5am, and went to bed. About 12 I was woken by Tien calling through the letterbox. She'd taken delivery of a parcel from the postman for me, and it wouldn't fit through the letterbox. I let her in, she does her usual cleaning frenzy thing for about an hour, then leaves. She texts me after to say "I know you don't like me any more, so I won't visit again. Goodbye.
Shame. I'd really like to be able to say to her that, as a friend, I do like her, but that's it. The problem is, I know that if I encourage her in any way, she'll take that as us having a chance. So best that she believes I don't like her.
I'm always signed in to MSN while I'm at work. Today, I was busy, so haven't really been checking it. At 3:30 I got back to my desk to find:
Tien: I'll be in Hanley at 5:30
It's now 4:00 and she's offline. I text her to say she can't come, I've got plans, and it's totally out of order for her to visit without letting me know. She texts back to say "Sorry, I'll stay in a hotel then. See yjavascript:void(0) Publish Postou soon." I tell her she should stay in london, and get back "I'm nearly in Hanley, can't go back. That's OK - I'll stay here for a week and then go back."
OK, this is getting a little out of hand. I need to drop this thing, sharpish. For now though, today is my last day at work, and I have a few days off, so I sent Becx a text to see if she fancies a pint. She'll help me escape my stalker in the pub!
Becx is a girl I first met years back, when me and Rob were both single. She was in Jaks (nightclub) every single night. As were we, pretty much, what with neither of us being in a position where we had to care about turning up to work hungover or drunk at the time.
Becx is not really my type. We ended up in bed together all that time ago, but nothing happened, and we both kind of acknowledged at that point that it wasn't going to.
Anyway, tonight, I went for a haircut after work (see, this is my typical approach to decisions. My actual thought process was this: Tomorrow is Sunday. That means the buses are gonna be crap. That, in turn, means I have to walk, taxi, or bike to work tomorrow if I sleep at home. On the other hand, Simon goes out every Saturday night, lives 5 minutes from work, and can usually be relied upon to have spare sofa space. Therefore, there is a viable argument for sleeping at Si's and going to work from there. But it's a work night so I shouldn't drink. OK, the deciding factor: If I can make it to the barbers in time for a cut tonight, I get to go out. If not, I stay in). Heading to the bus stop from the barbers, I bump into Becx again. We recognise each other, and there's an awkward "hi, how are you" thing for a few minutes, then suddenly, we're comfortable talking again. It's like we only saw each other yesterday. So I ask her if she fancies a drink while we catch up. She agrees, we head to the pub.
We spend maybe an hour catching up, and it turns out she's pretty heavily into local bands and live music just lately, which is a scene I want to familiarise myself with again, having been out of it for so long on account of Tracy not sharing my enjoyment of loud bangy music.
So, we've swapped numbers and MSN addy's, and agreed to become 'after work drinking buddies'. It is *not* going to go any further (she's still not my type), but she's a great girl, and we really get on well, so it'd be a shame to just be passing acquaintances.
So, Tien has just told me she wants to come see me. Bear in mind here that she lives in London, me in Stoke. She says she'll meet me from work, just for 5 minutes, then go back.
That in itself is wrong on a whole range of levels. Taking a 5 hour journey to spend 5 minutes with someone, just to take another 5 hour journey back is not natural.
The scary part? When I put my foot down and said I don't want her to visit today, this is the reply I got:
"ok:( it is up to you. But i just want to let you know that i don't expect anything, i don't want you have to spend time because of my stubborn. Anyway, i know what to do, if i miss you, i can see you without you awareness. Don't worry, i won't go. You work well:) ok. I have something to do now. Have a nice day at work:) Bye x"
fuck that.
Update: This is what I came home to today: Tien says: you have magic or maybe you are so attractive to girls:P My dad talked me never fall in love with handsome man, because he will leave soon cause he will have many girls. but i am not a good student in this:( Tien says: but i think i am better now when i face to the truth, you consider me as a friend so i love to have a friend like you too. my love was in the past and i keep it with me. i am not like in the past, so you don't need to worry for me :) TimB says: ok Tien says: but as long as you don't have a girl friend, i will fight for my love Tien says: i won't leave you unless you leave me. Tien says: ok my love?:) Tien says: in this poker game, i may win or lose, but i won't give up until the last game. Tien says: :P, so if you want to get rid of me, you should find a girlfriend soon:P
Oh fuck me with a bargepole. This right here is the downside to casual dating. Just say no, kids.
This one isn't me, but it relates to people already discussed elsewhere in this blog, and even though it was disclosed to me by someone who has since proven to be full of shit, I have no reason to disbelieve it, so I shall share it here.
The stars of our story hadn't been seeing each other long, and when they did, they pretty much spent all day in the pub. Literally. As in, at 11am they were stood at the door, tapping their watches while giving the staff disapproving looks. Needless to say, this often resulted in them being somewhat inebriated by the end of the evening.
One such evening, the two of them were staying at her place. Now she only had a single bed, so they were...cosy. He was against the wall, her at the edge. They both went to sleep, in their happy drunken state. Part way through the night, the peaceful slumber was interrupted by a loud sound.
PARRRRRRRP!
So loud in fact, that it woke him up. As he awoke, he looked over at her, trying to figure out what the strange noise was. She opened her eyes, briefly, groggily at first, then suddenly wide open, as if in shock. She mumbled, rolled over, and landed on the floor. A few minutes later, he heard a snoring sound again.
Thinking he should at least cover her up, he reached up and pulled the light cord, then peeled the covers back to get out of bed. It was at this point that he was confronted by a large brown mass, with a consistency somewhat reminiscent of a melted Snickers. Sitting defiantly on the bed, it stared him down, blocking his escape.
Gingerly, he manouvered around the mass, somehow avoiding it's advances.
Looking around the door, he saw her, on the floor, fast asleep, soiled, and stark naked. He hurriedly dressed, turned out the light, and legged it.
It was about this point that he called me to relay the above story. I listened to his tale, shocked and fascinated at the same time. It was the ending that caught my attention.
"You turned the light off?" "Err, yes, but I'm not sure my concern for the environment is really the overriding point in this story" "No, but...you turned the light off" "Yes, we've established that" "So...she'll wake up, discover that she's on the floor starkers, decide that she should really go back to bed, climb back up in the dark, and...." "...oops"
Caz is 29, and she's a mate of Si's. He seems to have this thing about trying to set me up. Probably something to do with his neice, Tammy, living with him now, and him having no faith in my ability to not flirt with her. I suppose I can see his point - I wouldn't trust me with her either! Anyway. Caz and I met last time we all went for a night out, and everyone else mysteriously vanished, leaving the two of us alone. We had a few drinks and a bit of a kiss, and agreed to meet up when we were both sober.
We met up last week, where I learned something about Caz. She's not great at conversation without a few drinks in her. Shy girls I can handle, but she didn't actually seem shy, just...I dunno. Every time I said something, she responded with "Is it?" or something else that was basically just an acknowledgment. Every time I asked her something about her, I was getting single word answers, nothing to invite me to probe a little deeper and continue the conversation.
Normally, I'd take this as a sign of disinterest, but according to Si she's definitely interested, and given that she keeps calling to arrange another date, I believe him. The problem is, dates are bloody hard work when you've got to keep trying to think of things to talk about, when you're not getting any feedback. And we're definitely not in that 'something really special, when you can just shut the fuck up and enjoy the silence together' zone, as endorsed by Mia Wallace.
If we do go out again, I'm thinking a cinema date.
So what was the point of that last article? Well, last Wednesday, I bumped into Kerry. She was out with Sam (not my ex Sam) and Kerry2, who she introduced me to. Anyway, we spent most of the night catching up, and between us, we discovered the following:
Sam (my ex) had indeed slept with Rob – he admitted this to Kerry. Which explains why Kerry broke Sam’s nose a few months after we split.
Tracy and Rob were sleeping together before she split up with me. In fact, on the day we broke up, she was in bed with Rob when I called him to say that things weren’t going well, and I needed him to stay away that night so I could sort things out. Which explains why he turned up.
Rob has been bragging about ‘stealing my girlfriend’ since we split up.
Rob had used the excuse that I can’t pull without him as his reason for always going out with me when him and Kerry were together. He had also cheated on her a hell of a lot, although only a few times when he was with me. He blamed me for most of these, saying that I was with the girls friend, and he was just being my wingman. Hence her blaming me for their split.
There were a fair few other revelations, for both of us, but those are the highlights. In a nutshell, we established fairly conclusively that Rob is a manipulative, sneaky bastard. Yeah, I know, hold the front page.
Anyway. Sam was supposed to be staying with Kerry2 that night, but she was very, very drunk, and looking to pick a fight with a bouncer. We’d already decided that Kerry was going to be staying at mine that night (my drunken mind saw a delicious irony in sleeping with Rob’s ex), and Kerry asked me if Sam could stay too. Sure, says I.
We hop in a taxi, go back to mine. The taxi driver knows Sam, and after a few minutes, he calls her and asks her if she wants to go with him for a while. So Sam wanders off with her taxi driver, leaving her purse at mine. Me and Kerry keep chatting, and she discovers my bottle of absinthe. We shoot the shit and play poker for a while, and Kerry announces that she’d like a bath. Fine by me, so she goes up for her bath. When she comes back, she’s wearing one of my shirts. And here’s the second irony of the night. The shirt she’s wearing is a shirt I’ve only worn once. I bought it in Italy two years ago, and wore it the night I proposed to Tracy. That’s the only time it’s ever been worn.
About 4am me and Kerry go to bed. We have a bit of a drunken fumble, and shortly afterwards, Kerry announces that she needs to go home. She gets up, gets dressed and leaves. Two minutes later, the doorbell goes. It’s Sam, being dropped off by her taxi driver. So now, me and Sam go to bed. Nothing happens, in fact I’m a perfect gentlemen, although somehow we wake up cuddling the next morning.
Since then, I’ve had a few texts off Kerry, and lots of texts off Sam. Sam might actually be worth pursuing, and is definitely worth getting to know better, so I’m going to see what happens. Kerry….well, she’ll probably be a drinking buddy. Nothing more. Some of us still have the integrity not to have sex with a mate's (or ex mate's) ex-girlfriend.
I can now cross off ‘sleep with two women in the same night, in the same bed’ from my list of things to do before I die. That just leaves me with ‘have sex with two women in the same night’ and ‘have sex with two women at the same time’ still to do. Oh well, it’s a start, eh?
If you’ve been reading from the beginning, you’ll know that me and Rob had a pact – no woman would ever come between us. First, let me explain how that pact came about. About 7 years ago, I was seeing Sam. We were living together, but things weren’t going well – she wanted kids, I didn’t and wasn’t about to be moved on the subject, so things were heading downhill fast. We finally broke up when I learned that she’d come off the pill without telling me, but before that, she did all sorts of attention seeking things. One of those was to say she’d slept with Rob. Cue big argument with Rob, culminating in him saying “I’m seeing Kerry, and if I was going to a) cheat on her, and b) shag a mates’s girlfriend, I’d do a lot better than Sam.” Which, if I was honest, was a fair point. Rob suggested that she was attention seeking and I shouldn’t let it have an effect. Which I did.
Fast forward a few years. Rob had been trying to get rid of Kerry for a few months. He kept backing out at the last minute, so one night, he asks me to come along with him for moral support. Just to give him a bit of added incentive, he also meets a girl in the pub that night, and proceeds to have sex with her in the toilets. Anyway, we get back to Rob’s place, and Kerry is there. I go to Rob’s room – I really don’t want to be involved in this one – and leave them to it. 10 minutes later, Kerry bursts into the room, saying it’s all my fault. At this point, she produces a rather large knife, and proceeds to hold it to my throat, saying it’s my fault he doesn’t want to be with her any more, and that she’s going to, and I quote, “fucking murder me”.
Anyway, we proceed downstairs so that she can show Rob her latest capture, probably in much the same way that a cat will bring a live bird to it’s owner to try and teach them how to hunt. Rob tries talking, but here’s the problem – Rob’s a cocky fucker, and he’s not very good at the whole sensitive thing. Plus we’ve both been drinking, so to be honest, neither am I. Rob calls her bluff, picks up the phone (right in front of her, while she’s still yelling at him), and dials 999. He calmly tells the police “Hi, my ex is holding my friend at knifepoint, can you come and help please?” Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to maintain a calm composure and an intact windpipe.
While we’re waiting for the police, Rob continues to taunt Kerry. Eventually, he aggravates her enough that she lunges at him, and he takes the chance to sweep her legs from under her. She hits the floor, I grab the knife (by the blade), and try to wrestle it from her while keeping my knee in her back to stop her getting up. Since she has a considerably better grip on the knife than I do, I end up literally having to put the blade of the knife at the back of her neck, and use her own neck as leverage. This worked, and I managed to get the knife with little more than a few small cuts (thank god for cheap knife sets).
A few minutes later, the police come bursting in, donning stab vests and full riot gear. Impressive. The first one looks at me as if I’m the assailant (to be fair, I’ve got Kerry pinned to the floor, both her arms held up her back, and sitting on her legs so she can’t move. I look him dead in the eye, and say “I’m fucking glad you’re here, I need a drink!” Then I stand up, releasing Kerry (having made sure the knife is well out of harms way), and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. Kerry is arrested, and we spend the next 4 hours giving statements at the police station.
Anyway, after all this, me and Rob made a pact that we would *never* let a woman come between us. So yeah, that worked.
Tien is a Vietnamese girl, living in London. We met online, chatted for a while, and one day, she randomly turned up on my doorstep without any warning. I'd just finished nights, and was asleep, so she sat on my doorstep for a few hours before going back home. Bear in mind at this point that a train ticket to London is in the region of £100 each way.
A few weeks later we did actually meet. She cooked for me. This is how I discovered that I'm not a fan of Vietnamese cuisine.
Before she came to visit, when we only chatted by email and MSN, she made it clear that she had very traditional values, which include saving herself for her husband. That’s fine, and I have a lot of respect for people who are able to do that. I’m not one of them, and I made it equally clear that we weren’t likely ever to progress beyond friends, because there’s no way I’d marry someone I hadn’t slept with yet, and I wouldn’t want to put her in a position where she feels she has to sacrifice her values for someone. Now, London is quite a trek from Stoke, and public transport isn’t cheap, so it was agreed that when we met, she could stay the night. I took the sofa, she took the bed.
Anyway, she's been to visit quite a lot over the last few weeks. In the beginning, this was OK - she seems a nice girl. However, the first night she stayed, when she left, there was an extra toothbrush in the bathroom. That’s OK, she probably just forgot it. The second time she came to visit, the toothbrush was still there, and had been joined by some random girl toiletries (not *those* toiletries. Yet). The third time, a pair of pyjamas. Also, she gets up every morning at 5am, and cleans the house from top to bottom before I get up.
I think what swung it was the last time she stayed. I got up, and she'd completely cleaned the spare room. She was sitting on the computer, chatting to her mum on MSN. Her mum still lives in Vietnam. She told me she'd told her mum all about me, and her mum thought she should take good care of me. I ask her if she'd like a cup of tea. Immediately, she stands up, and insists on leaving the computer to make the tea.
Now don't get me wrong, I know that by cooking and cleaning, she's trying to look after me, and that her traditional upbringing makes her feel that this is what she should be doing. However, I can't stand being looked after, and I can't stand not doing my fair share. I've told her this, she still insists on trying to do everything. So, she's had to go. I've told her, we're friends, that's all. We're not going to be more, and I don't want her to look after me. At all.
Now she's talking about taking a job in Stoke, and moving up here so she can take care of me.
I don't care how traditional her upbringing was, I'm getting crazy vibes.
So, Tien has just told me she wants to come see me. Bear in mind here that she lives in London, me in Stoke. She says she'll meet me from work, just for 5 minutes, then go back.