The Letter
If you've read The Aftermath, you'll know I wrote her a letter. Here it is.You don't have to read this.
This is stuff I need to get out of my system, and which I feel I owe it to you to say.
Just because I need to say it, doesn't mean you need to hear it. You're happy now, and if hearing from me will hurt you, throw this letter away without reading any further.
The three years we shared, were the happiest, most loving years of my life. I truly never believed I was able to be so happy with any one person. You completed me. You are the only person I've ever fallen for so completely, the only one I've ever loved in this way. You are an amazing person.
When Rob and Lynn broke up, I went off the rails a bit. I believe that was the beginning of the end of our relationship. That is completely my fault. When Rob became single, and seemed so happy, I started to have doubts - you were the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I knew that beyond any doubt, but was I ready to spend the rest of my life with someone yet?
Just as importantly, were you? It kept nagging at me, that I was the first guy you'd ever had a relationship with, and that you wouldn't want to settle for that - at some point, you'd want to see what else was out there. My own insecurities made that come true.
I started to neglect you, choosing instead to spend time with Rob. My excuse was that I was helping him get over his break up. The truth was, he was loving the single life, and I wanted to be a part of that too.
When I asked you to come along with us, we'd end up having an argument, without fail, every single time. Rob would go with you to try and calm you down, and I'd go home alone. You and Rob would then spend the night together, downstairs, while I slept upstairs. I know nothing happened between you while we were together, but these were signs that our relationship was not going well. Because I was neglecting you so much, I missed the signs. Or rather, I chose to ignore them. I am truly, deeply, sorry for that.
I think it was around the beginning of August that it changed for me. Preparing for the holiday, I realised - I love you more than anything else in the world. You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Yes, I am ready to settle down, to have kids, to get married. At that point, I made a vow - the holiday would be the changing point in our relationship - after we got back, I would be more attentive, spend less time with Rob and more with you, and try to get us back to how we used to be.
It seems I wasn't the only one of us looking at the holiday as a changing point. While I was thinking that it was time to buckle down and devote myself completely to you, you were thinking that you'd already had too much of my neglecting you, and you wanted out. The fact that we'd had so many arguments before meant you'd had a chance to fall for Rob while he was comforting you every night.
When you sent me a text asking for Rob's number the day after we broke up because you wanted to ask him on a date, I had so many questions going through my head. I knew Jenny already had his number, so why were you asking me? How long had you been thinking of being with Rob instead of me? How much had already happened when you had been alone together? Looking back, I know some of those questions were wrong of me to even think, but at the time I couldn't help it. Now, I realise that asking me for his number was your way of letting me know you wanted to make a move on him, because you wanted me to find out from you instead of hearing it through the grapevine. I want you to know, I truly appreciate that. It means a lot to me that you were so honest.
The first night I saw you together, killed me. Seeing you together I could just about handle. Watching you kiss was too much, and it tore my heart in two. That's why I sent the texts I did, and I apologise if they hurt you.
Hearing from you on Friday night helped me a lot at the time. Since then though, it's destroyed me. I can't stop thinking about you, missing you, wanting you. It's now Sunday and I've been an emotional wreck all weekend. I've alternated between crying, wandering around aimlessly, staring at my phone hoping you'll text again, and drinking. I haven't eaten since Friday afternoon - I can't swallow food. Still, at least it'll get rid of that fat you keep telling me about!
The real truth is, I never deserved you. You could always have done so much better than me. Still, I lied to you and treated you like sh*t. I fully deserved to lose you, and to lose Rob too. I fully deserve to feel as bad as I do right now.
I have no happiness left for me anymore. I've lost the most important thing in my life. All I can do now is wish you well. You're better off with Rob, I can see that. You suit each other better than we did, and I can tell he makes you happier than I ever could.
I want you to know, I have no hard feelings towards either of you. You were both honest with me throughout, which is more than I deserve. I truly hope you are happy together, and that he never does anything to repeat my mistakes or make you stop wanting to be with him. You are truly a wonderful and special person. There will always be love in my heart for you.
I really hope that one day we can all get along together again. Right now, I can't handle seeing the two of you together, but in time, that will pass.
I hope I never have to be there to support either of you like I still need Rob to support me now, but I will always welcome you if you ever feel a need to talk. I know nothing can ever happen again between us, but I value your friendship.
I Love You.
A few days later, I re-read that letter. I saw the part that says "There will always be love in my heart for you", and I thought "No. There won't. You don't need my love any more, and frankly, you don't deserve it either." Then I tore it up. That was the moment I knew I had at least a chunk of my self respect back.
posted by SingleGuy @ 12:48 am
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