The Aftermath
OK, so now my best mate is dating my ex. This is the best mate who we always swore would never let a woman come between us. I think that's why the next few weeks were so screwed up. I was determined to stick to that vow.So we still hung out. We went to the pub, we played pool, we wandered the shops. All the usual stuff we used to do. Well, not quite. Before, I never heard about his latest girlfriend, what they were doing together, how happy she was without me, or any of that crap that I really didn't need to hear. Now, she was all he talked about. Still, I was actually quite surprised myself at how well I handled it all.
Let's fast forward again. Maybe two weeks after the breakup. Me and Rob arrange to go to Newcastle for a night out (Wednesday night - Student Night). Tracy's working, so that's not a concern.
I get there. She's there with him. Pole dancing, wearing a skirt. She never wore skirts when I was with her. Couldn't find one to fit, she said. No matter. I go to the bar to get a drink. When I come back, they're all over each other. That I can't stand to look at. Don't get me wrong, I kind of expected it from her. Him, I expected to have enough respect for our friendship to keep his distance while I was there. I walk out, and very nearly break my hand punching the wall outside (that was nearly three weeks ago now, and it still hurts and doesn't quite look right). I send them both a text saying I want to wish them well, but I can't be happy for them because I still feel too betrayed by them both. Then I go home in floods of tears.
No contact until two days later. I'm actually feeling a little better by now, and have gone clubbing with some other friends. About 10:50pm I get the following text:
Her: U wnt piss me off and u certainly wnt piss rob off so u cn say n do wht the fuck u wnt cause u wnt split us up an as 4 u feelin betrayed ur the 1 who fucked me bout an neglected me as 4 gemma 2 scared to tell me bout her were u bothered cause im really happy
Aah, Gemma. I should explain about Gemma. Gemma is a girl I got chatting to in a club a few months ago, on one of the nights out with Rob - he'd met someone, and being his wingman, I was keeping her friend occupied. Gemma was the friend. We got talking, and exchanged numbers. Nothing happened, but she kept on texting me. I repeat, nothing happened. However, still very wrong of me, and possibly deserving of a breakup in itself. Anyway, the following text conversation happened:
Me: That's great, I'm really glad you're happy. I can't be happy for u but that's my problem and ill get over it. Just for the record, nothing did happen, or would happen, between me and gemma while I was with u. I have more respect for u than that. I no i neglected u, I'd already realised that and told myself it'd change after the hol. I was helpin my best mate through his breakup, which I had finished and was goin devote myself to u again. That's past now tho. Have a great life together, no hard feelings.
Her: Wnt let me read that obviously too long
Me: Ok short version: I did nothing with gemma while i was with u - i respect u too much for that. I hope ur happy together. Good luck and goodbye.
Me: So u no, I don't want u and rob 2 split. I hope ur happy together. I cant handle it but thats my problem, it shouldn't come between u 2. All I ask is that u dont rub it in my face when i see u together. If that's too much to ask, say now and I'll avoid you both. I have other questions about you 2 but I don't want the answers so it's ok.
Her: If it's was we
Me: No, it's not that, I still trust u both enough to no that didnt happen. I dont want the answers to my questions, so im not goin ask them. U 2 have a good life together, just pls dont ask me to be part of it.
Me: Really, I hope ur happy together. Ur happiness still means a lot to me. I'd love to be happy for you, but I cant be right now. hope you can understand that
Her: Yeah I understand I just dont want any trouble whats happened has happened hope u find happiness too
Me: Thanks. We had a good time together, at least I did. I won't get into my plans for after the hol cos it don't matter now. Just no I loved u while we were together, and im sorry u couldn't feel the same.
Her: I did love you really but things were just goin wrong and we drifted apart.
Me: I no we did. I was helpin my best mate get over his breakup and I neglected u. I was goin change that after the hol. Don't matter now tho.
Me: I know we drifted apart, before the holiday. I don't know when you stopped wanting me, that's one of the things I don't want to know about our break up.
Her: Just to let you know, it was while we were on hol I just wasn't having a good time felt our relationship had run its course no point in makin each other miserable.
Me: Thanks. We did drift apart, thats what I wanted the hol to change, but when I tried to get close to u, u were too busy with ur phone. I was to blame too tho - I never deserved you, all I can do now is hope you're happy with ur new life, even if that ruins my relationship with my best mate.
Her: I was too busy on my phone because it was already too late, we've been drifting apart for months and the hol didn't help. It won't ruin ur relationship with him if u dont let it.
Me: I know we been driftin, thats cos I was helpin rob with his split, I was gonna devote myself to you after the hol if I had a chance. I dont want lose rob as a mate but I can't handle u 2 together, tryin ignore it now. I'd rather u 2 were happy than me and him be mates tho, so don't do anythin on my account. I didn't deserve u anyway, u were always too good for me.
Her: If I was too good for u i didn't care cos I loved you bt things had been going wrong for ages it just wasn't working out.
Me: I know, like I said, I was goin try change that, but it's too little, too late, I know that. I just wish we could have talked about it before it got this far.
Me: By the way, don't worry, Im not the trouble kind. Our relationship died when u said u dnt want be with me any more - once u said that, i'd be wastin my time if i tried get u bk. thats why i didnt argue when u dumped me, theres no point if u dont want me any more. i wont contact u again unless u contact me first. i really hope ur happy with ur new life, there'll always be part of my heart thats urs. Goodbye xxx.
Me: One last thing - thank you for having the decency to tell me yourself that you wanted to make a move on rob. It felt like a really low trick at the time, but it would have killed me if I'd found out some other way. I just want you to know I appreciate your honesty.
That was the conversation, verbatim. I have no idea why, but that conversation destroyed me that weekend. This was on the Friday night, and I just spent until Sunday night curled up at home, crying, not eating, barely sleeping. Reading it back, I have no clue why. I can only assume it was contact with her again after going without for two weeks.
Anyway, the next day I sent some very random texts to Rob. Examples:
Don't ever make the mistakes I made with her. Never, ever give her a reason to stop wanting to be with you, even if that comes between us. She's more important than me. She's a truly amazing person, and once she's out of your life it'll kill you. Hold onto her, and don't ever let go.
and
If ever things don't work out between you, make it easy for her. I don't ever want her to feel like I do right now.
Finally, on Sunday evening, I started to pull myself together. I sent him one last text:
Thanks for being there for me the last few weeks mate. I'm going to stay out of touch of both of you for a bit now - i have no idea if seeing you is helping or hurting my recovery. I've written her a letter with things I think I owe it to her to say. Im not going to give it her because I think that'd be a mistake. I'll text you in a few weeks or so if that's OK with you. Good luck to you both in the meantime.
I'll post the letter seperately. I never did give it to her. In fact, a few days later I felt a lot better, re-read it, realised it was all crap, and tore it up.
That brings us up to about two weeks ago. Life since then has been a lot better, and I'll fill you in on that in due course. For now, that's the introductions sorted.
posted by SingleGuy @ 12:16 am
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